MORE SNAKES

I guess every community has a rough family living there. You know the kind I mean. Seems like they are always up to no good and getting in all sorts of trouble with the law, their neighbors, and even each other.

Around Gatorhead we have the Gants. Willard Gant is the daddy and he used to sell moonshine and has been kind of bitter since they legalized alchohol. He says,"There just ain't no way to make money in it any more and a lot of the other bootleggers just went to sellin' drugs. I've done a lot of low down things to make money but even I won't do that."

Willard's wife ran off about five years ago about the time the boys got old enough to start acting like their daddy. I would say he's had to raise 'em by himself but he more or less just turned them loose and let them grow wild. There are three of the boys, Dude and Dub, the twins, and then there is little Willie.Dude and Dub are eighteen an little Willie is fifteen.

Bro. Ben Shorter from the Gatorhead Baptist Church has tried to get them to change their ways. He's invited them to church, he's offered to pray for them and with them and they just treated him rude and sent him on his way.

Dude was out frog gigging and got bit by a cottonmouth. Dub rushed him to the emergency room and the doctors went to work to treat him but they had been way back in the swamp and by the time Dub got him to the truck and then to the hospital Dude was in a very bad way. Dub had called Willard and he and little Willie came right away. When the doctor told them how bad off Dude was they called Bro. Shorter.

Brother Shorter got to the hospital and on the way in he met the doctor in the hall and the doctor told him, "I just checked him and I think he'll pull through but I found out that they had called for you and I thought that I would let you visit with them before I told them. If they thought he was going to be alright they would never let you in to pray with them."

Bro. Ben had been a little concerned about how to approach the situation but he felt much better knowing that they expected Dude to live. He went into the room and Dude was awake but he was mighty sick and the family was gathered around him.

Willard Gant said, probably for the first time in his life, "Preacher will you pray for usWillard Gant said, probably for the first time in his life, "Preacher will you pray for us

Bro. Shorter bowed his head and began to pray, "Oh Lord, you know that I have prayed for this family ever since I moved to this community. I have invited them to church. I have talked to them about their relationship with you, I have offered to pray with them and they didn't have any time for me or for you.All the visits, and praying and pleading with them has not done one bit of good to make them turn to you."
"Lord, I thank you for this snake that you sent to bite Dude. I ask you to help him make it through this and I pray that they will not turn from you again. It took this snake to make them think about spiritual things and to cause them to seek your help. If they turn from you again Lord, I ask that you send more and snakes, at least one for each of them and it wouldn't hurt none if they were a little bigger. Nothing else seems to have worked in making them seek you so if they turn away again please send more and bigger snakes, Amen.

Well, I sure have been thinkin' after hearing that. There sure are a lot of people in the world asking for a heap of hurtin' if hurtin' is the only thing that will make 'em look to the Lord.

I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'
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OUTSPOKEN

Hi, I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.

Boomer stopped by the other day for a chat. He usually comes by and visits two or three times a week. We ain't kin but he calls me Uncle Bo. I mentioned one time that I really did enjoy him coming by to visit and he said, "I like visiting with you Uncle Bo, you treat me like a real person."

I guess we have to be careful around younguns or we will forget that they are real people as much or maybe even more than we are.

Boomer was kind of down in the dumps and he just sat there real quiet for awhile and I finally asked him what was wrong. "Uncle Bo, I was just thinkin' how good it would be if you could pick your own family like you do your friends." I laughed and said, "Are you having trouble with your family Boomer."

"A little I guess," he answered, "Don't get me wrong I love my brother and my sister but they sure can get on my nerves. I used to think Arlis was the smartest boy in the world and could do about anything. It is amazing how much dumber he gets as we both get older. He likes to pick on me but I usually get even with him without him even knowing it. He may be bigger that me but I outsmart him a lot." I asked, "What about Clymenestra, don't your and her get along pretty good?" "She don't pick on me like Arlis but all her complaining and arguing and ranting and raving and wanting to be an activist and all gets kind of tiresome. She is always telling all of us what we ought to be doing to make the world a better place and all." I said, "Well, Clymenestra sure can be outspoken."

Boomer sighed and said, "I guess she could be outspoken but I sure don't know who could outspeak her."

I guess Boomer had a point. There are a lot of outspoken people I know that would be hard to outspeak too.

I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.
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ODIS WALKER

I've been thinkin how it takes different kinds of people to make up a community.

I have to admit that some of the kinds of people I've met just help make it up and don't do much to make it better. Some though like the Walker brothers sure do help to make it more colorful and interestin'. 'Ramblin' Bill Walker is one of those people who will start to tell you something and they go into so much detail and get off the point so much that you never really know what they started out to tell. Mostly you just wait around until he gets to a good stopping point and try to get away. I'm not sure if they call him 'Ramblin' Bill because of the way he talks or because he can't stay put for long. If he has a place to call home at all it would be with his brother Odis Walker who lives in an old converted school bus down by the river.

Odis is a real colorful character. When he is telling something you can be pretty sure he's 'Spinning a Windy'. That's a polite way saying that he may not be telling the truth most of the time.

Odis is a commercial fisherman and raises about the best garden of anyone in the whole county. I don't guess he has ever been married. I asked him one time why he wasn't married and he said, "Well, when you live like I do it would take a mighty good wife to beat no wife at all."

Except for the gardening part Lonzo's boy Arlis really admires the lifestyle of Odis. He spends a lot of time down by the river listening to Odis spin his windys and trying to learn about fishing and hunting to sustain himself. Odis has several dogs about two dozen chickens that roam the yard, and the bus too, and Arlis took a liking to the chickens.

One of the hens hatched out a batch of new chicks and Arlis saw following the mama hen around and thought they was something special. Odis is kind of fond of Arlis in spite of his shortcomings and thought he'd be nice.

"I'll tell you what Arlis," he said,"I'll catch some of them tonight and you can take them home and raise you some chickens for yourself. I'll drop 'em by your house in the morning."

Arlis got out of bed before the crack of noon for the first time in awhile and was waiting on Odis when he came by with the chickens.

Odis told me he went by a few days later and asked Arlis how he was doing raising the chickens. Arlis just looked down and led Odis out into the back yard. Odis looked around and saw several mounds of dirt right in front of Arlis. Arlis looked at him, "They ain't come up yet, do you reckon I planted them too deep?"

Odis just shook his head and said, "That boy ain't no smarter than a bucket of live bait."

I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.
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THE GOOD, THE MAD, THE ORNERY

Hi, I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'. Every community needs a meetin' place for the menfolk to gather and drink coffee and solve the problems of the world. In Gatorhead we all get together at the Grab Sum Grub. The crowd kind of rotates in an out but you can usually see the same faces most days and they certainly are the good, the mad, and the ornery. They are all good men, most are usually mad about one thing or the other, usually politics, taxes, gas prices or the weather, and most of them have an ornery streak.
Odis Walker is probably one of the orneriest of the bunch. I guess living by himself down by the river in that old remodeled school bus has caused him to have a few rough edges.
We were all sittin' there drinkin' coffee the other day when Bro. Ben Shorter came in. Odis piped up and said,"Ya'll need to watch yer language now since the preacher is here."
Bro. Shorter never slacked up he just grabbed him a cup of coffee and sat down and said, "Don't clean up your language on my account, I guess the Lord has to hear it all the time."
Everyone got a laugh out of that but I guess Odis had a point. It's strange that people will act a certain way in front of a preacher and never consider that the Lord is watching them all time. Odis thought about it for a few minutes and said,"I guess you are right preacher. But you know fer a fact that people do watch their language more around a preacher. I remember when I was a little boy my daddy used to go to town in a wagon pulled by a team of mules. From the time he left the house till the time he got home he was cussin' them mules to get them to do right.
One day he was late coming home and we was beginning to worry about him. He finally came in about two hours later than usual and and Ma asked him why he was so late, 'Well, he said, I was on my way home from town and the preacher was walking back to the church and I stopped to give him a ride. From the time he got in that wagon them mules never understood a word I said to 'em."
I reckon we ought to always remember that the Lord deserves more respect than the preacher so maybe we ought to watch our language all the time.
I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'

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WATCH OUT FOR PRESBYTERIANS

Hi, I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'. Boomer, thats Lonzo and Maybelle's 8 year old son, comes by to chat with me on a regular basis. I always enjoy Boomer because he is exceptionally bright and loves to talk. He gives me about as much to think about as anyone I know.

Boomer got a new bicycle and he has got to where he can ride it real good around their place but he wants to be able to ride to the store and venture out a little more. Maybelle told him he needed to take a safety course before she would let him leave their property on the bicycle.

They give the safety courses at the community center every summer and Boomer had been looking forward to the day for awhile. He was intent on passing the course so that he could venture away from home on his bicycle so he paid strict attention to everything in order to be able to pass the course.

They covered everything from wearing a helment to watching out for traffic. The teacher told them that they needed to be courteous and especially watch out for pedestrians.

Boomer did real good on the test and got his certificate came by to show it off. He was riding his bicycle when he got there. He sat down on the porch and was telling me all about the safety class, almost like he was planning on teaching the next session. He was doing real fine until he got to the part about the pedistrians.

"You really need to be courteous," he said, "And you always have to be careful not to run over any Presbyterians."

I reckon the Baptist and the Methodist would appreciate the same consideration if they happened to be walking along at the same time as the Presbyterians.

I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'
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SAVING THE TREE

Hi, I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'
If there is something that really sets you off and gets your dander up you had better keep it to yourself because some people like to see folks get riled up. The town council decided to cut the big sweetgum tree that is in the little park downtown. Every time a storm comes up some of the limbs and branches get blown off and it makes the park look awful messy until the youth group over at the church gets together to clean it up. In the fall the sweetgum balls fall all over the park and when you mow the grass everyone in town has to stay clear to keep the mower from braining them with a sweetgum ball.
Word got out that they intended to cut down the tree and Lonzo's girl Clymenestra, wanting to become an activist, felt it was her duty to try to save the tree.
Before they could get there with a chainsaw and trucks to haul it away Clymenestra tied her self to the tree and held up a sign that said "Don't Kill Our Favorite Tree". Lonzo said that Clymenestra had probably never even noticed that there was a sweetgum tree in the park until the town council decided to cut it down. It was Clymenestra's ambition to become an activist and this was her first cause and she wasn't going to pass up the opportunity.
The town council really wasn't dead set on cutting down the tree so they decided they would have someone show up every day just to see how long Clymenestra would would keep herself roped to that tree. She hung in there real strong for a couple of days and nights. Her mama, Maybelle, brought her three meals a day and some insect repellent to keep the mosquitoes away at night and Clymenestra was holding up real well.
On the third day one of those thunderstorms that come up all of a sudden hit the park. Clymenestra was steadfast as long as it was just raining. She got soaked and her hair looked like it had been washed with a firehose and styled with a weedeater but she wasn't going to let a little soaking deter her. When the lightning started and the wind picked up and those limbs began to break and fall around her she began to untie those knots in the ropes quicker than an Eagle Scout.
Just as she ran from the tree and into a building for shelter an especially strong wind came up and blew that sweetgum tree up by the roots. The next day it was cut up and hauled away. Clymenestra wasn't too upset though. She made the front page of the Kudzu Kronicle which is about the most important thing to an activist. Ned Perkins, editor, reporter, photographer, typesetter and printer at the paper made a big deal of her heroics, complete with pictures of her tied to the tree and then of the tree after it blew down. His headline was, "YOU CAN'T FIGHT CITY HALL."
I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.
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SOME TIMES YOU JUST NEED A YOOHOO

Hi I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.

I was over at the Grab Sum Grub, a combination Quick Shop, Resturant, Bait Shop, Video Store, Gas Station and Post Office, the other day and I went over to the cooler and got me a Yoohoo. One of those chocolate drinks in a bottle and sat down at the table to rest a spell and refresh myself.

Parker, who owns the Grab Sum Grub with his wife Maudine came over to the table and sat down with me. "Seein' you drinking that Yoohoo reminds me of something that happened to my daughter and her husband last time they came down for a visit. It's a pretty long ride and Bob and Charlene were already tired but at least they weren't as cranky as Penelope. Penelope is my five year old grandaughter," he said. He was smilin' the way only a grandpa can smile when he talks about his grandyounguns and he continued,"Little Penny had done whined and complained about the trip and asked when they would be there until she began to get on Charlene's nerves. You know how that goes, Charlene and little Penny had begun to fuss and argue and that was getting on Bob's nerves. Finally Charlene told Penny that she had better get in a better mood."

"Penny just looked her in the eye and said,'I'd be in a whole lot better mood if somebody would stop and get me a Yoohoo." Parker laughed and continued, "Sure enough Bob pulled off at the next exit and went in and got her a Yoohoo and they didn't have another word out of her the whole trip."

As I sat there and enjoyed my Yoohoo I thought of all the problems in the world that might be solved if people would just stop and get them a Yoohoo. If President Kennedy had bought a couple of Yoohoos and sat down with Kruschev that whole Cold War episode might have been avoided. When Bush and Al Gore tied in Florida and the election was put on hold for so long if they had just set down and had a Yoohoo a lot of that confusion could have been avoided. Next time they have peace talks in the middle east they might all need to sit down and have a Yoohoo together and they just might get that mess over there straightened out.

I don't know about everyone else, but I just drank my Yoohoo that day and I've been in a little better mood ever since.

I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.

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WAXING ELEPHANTS

Hi I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.
When kids hear things in church(or anywhere else) they might not always get them exactly right but sometimes they get the general idea of what is meant.
Bro. Ben Shorter over at the Gatorhead Baptist Church was talking to a group of men at a fellowship the other night. He was telling about a well known evangelist that came to his church and a lot of the people wanted to record his sermon so they all lined up their tape recorders on the front pews. They were the old kind that made a real loud click, almost a pop, when they came to the end of the tape. Bro. Shorter was sort of laughing as he told them, "They had all put in 30 minute tapes in the recorders and the evangelist began to wax elequent, that's what we preachers call getting long winded, and those tape recorders began to run out of tape and snap off. It sounded like a small war or a dove hunt for awhile."
All the men got the point and laughed, Lonzo's eight year old boy, Boomer, didn't quite get the pronunciation of Waxing Elequent. He said, "We've had a lot of preachers here who liked to wax elephants too." The men thought that was funnier than the story Bro. Shorter told. Lonzo said, "That's right son, some of them missionaries that have come have waxed two or three elephants at a time."
Ever since that time when the men of the church think a preacher goes a little long on time they refer to it as Waxing Elephants.
I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.
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DEACON I.M. STEARN

Hi, I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.

Some folks just don't think they've had a good day unless they can make someone mad.


Bro. Ben Shorter is the present pastor of The Gatorhead Baptist Church. The church had been without a pastor for over a year and Bro. Keen, the district Missionary, had been the interim during that time. Deacon I.M. Stearn told Bro. Keen that he was really glad to have him preaching for them, "I really don't want no preacher anyhow," he said, " And you are the nearest thing to not having a preacher as we could get." When it came time for the church to vote whether or not to ask Bro. shorter to be their preacher everyone voted for him except Deacon Stearn. The moderator of the business meeting said it would be nice if could take another vote and make it unanimous. Deacon Stearn stood up and said, "As long as I'm a member of this church there ain't nothing going to be unanimous." Deacon Stearn has a lot of good days because he very seldom fails to make not just one but sometimes a bunch of folks mad. I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.

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OSTEOFEROCIOUS

Hi, I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'

I ran into Minnie Bell the other day at the Grab Sum Grub. That's a combination Quick Stop, resturant, deli, bait shop, video store, gas station and U.S. Post Office. Parker and Maudine run it. Maudine is the postmistress.

Minnie Bell, that is her whole name and everyone always calls her that, is a retired school teacher who never married. When it comes to complaining I don't reckon I ever met anyone who could hold one over on her. She is one of those people you don't want to ask how she is because she'll spend a good portion of the rest of the day telling you in detail. I've heard about her diabetes more times than I have Wilford Brimley's and about her Osteoporsis more times than Sally Fields.
I told Lonzo about runnin' into her and about her osteoporosis.
He said, "I was in her class when she taught school and back then she had osteoferocious, cause she sure was bad to the bone."
Just remember when someone asks you how you are they are just being polite. I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'
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PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH

Hi, I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin.
All of us are decendents of immigrants unless we are American Indians. I still have a problem of calling them Native Americans because I consider myself a Native American. I was born here and I ain't never been nowhere else and I figure that makes me about as native as you can get.
My point is that America has been a melting pot since the first bunch came over from Europe. That is really not a problem. The problem is we all need a common language and I figure since the biggest portion of us have been speaking English (or some variation thereof) since the Pilgrims landed that English should be the common language in the United States. Just to illustrate that fact let me tell you what happened to Lonzo.
Lonzo took sick on the weekend when Doc Cutter's office was closed and had to go into the city to the emergency room. He was laying there when a Doctor from India walked in with an hispanic nurse and an oriental x-ray technician. They were all asking him questions and he couldn't understand a word they were saying. There was a call button there to the nurses desk, because sometimes they leave you in there by yourself for awhile, and Lonzo pressed the call button.
A nurses voice came over the speaker and said, "Can I help you?"
Lonzo answered, "Yes, I was just trying to press one for English!"
I don't care how smart someone is, if you can't understand a word they are saying it don't help much.
I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'

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HAVE A HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY

I hope ya'll have a Happy Fourth of July and be real careful. Accidents can happen even when you are careful. As a matter of fact I read somewhere the other day that over 100,000 bathroom related accidents send people to the emergency room everyday.
I ain't takin' no chances so I reckon I'll just hold it till Monday.

Ya'll do have a safe and happy weekend and I'll be back Monday- I hope.
I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'
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SOME FOLKS DON'T HAVE A GOOD DAY

Hi, I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'. Some folks just don't think they've had a good day unless they can make someone mad.
Bro. Ben Shorter is the present pastor of The Gatorhead Baptist Church. The church had been without a pastor for over a year and Bro. Keen, the district Missionary, had been the interim during that time. Deacon I.M. Stearn told Bro. Keen that he was really glad to have him preaching for them, "I really don't want no preacher anyhow," he said, " And you are the nearest thing to not having a preacher as we could get." When it came time for the church to vote whether or not to ask Bro. shorter to be their preacher everyone voted for him except Deacon Stearn. The moderator of the business meeting said it would be nice if could take another vote and make it unanimous. Deacon Stearn stood up and said, "As long as I'm a member of this church there ain't nothing going to be unanimous." Deacon Stearn has a lot of good days because he very seldom fails to make not just one but sometimes a bunch of folks mad.
I'm Bo Lumpkin and I've been thinkin'.

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